Featured Article

" Listen Up "

I recently participated in an interesting research project in San Diego, California where researchers are looking to link neurobiological function and eating disorders.

I was exposed to many tests and tasks and had a lot of time to reflect during this four day study.

A specific hearing test got me really thinking and that is sort of the basis for this featured article.

I learned in San Diego that my hearing is above average based on the fact that I could detect sounds at 5 decibels. Although the decibel measurements means very little to me, it proved my husband and teenagers wrong :)

My husband says I have selective hearing while my kids are certain I must have a hearing problem because I talk so loudly :)

All kidding aside, I can't tell you the number of times I've heard, "Shhhh, mom, keep your voice down."

I was actually beginning to think that maybe I did have a hearing problem because I didn't think I was being that loud.

Anyway, my point is that once I found out that my hearing was exceptional, I started to wonder why I don't listen as often as I know I should. Especially to my family.

I remember learning many years ago that listening is equally if not more important in the art of communication as talking is. But learning it and applying it seem to be two different things.

I've thought about this alot lately and I believe as parents, we feel like it's our responsibility to fix things. On some level, we may not realize that listening is the very thing that will fix things.

When I have a client who is upset, I wouldn't dream of jumping in there right away and "telling" her what to do to fix it but with my kid's, it's a whole other story. I move right in.

The biggest challenge is to shift our thinking from 'how do I fix things', to 'how do I enable my kids to fix things for themselves?'

A pretty amazing thing happened the other night. I knew my teenage daughter was having some decision- making challenges. She was sort of lingering around when everyone else had gone to bed and I sensed that she wanted to talk. Normally I would come right out and ask her "what's bothering you?" but this night I just sat quietly on the couch, made eye contact with her and she settled right in.

She began to talk and complain and share her frustrations and I listened. She continued to talk and complain and share her frustrations and I listened some more.

Over an hour later, she had emptied out EVERYTHING that was bothering her but more importantly, she arrived at several solutions all on her own.

My ability to just listen allowed her to talk her way through the challenges and to the solutions that she felt would really work for her.

I have to admit there were times when I wanted to jump in there with "but if you just did this, then this would happen" but I remained silent; engaged in her dilema but silent.

I think it's hard for us as parents to listen to our children express their confusion or resentment or disappointment or discouragement.

We can't bear to see them unhappy. So it's with the best of intenitons that we dismiss their feelings and impose our adult logic. We want to show them the "right" way to feel.

And yet, it's our listening that can give the greatest comfort. It's our acceptance of our children's unhappy feelings or confusion that can and does make it easier for them to cope with and work through them.

My hearing might be exceptional according to scientific tests but my listening skills are a work in progress.

The only advice I have for you today is "Listen Up".....:)

Until next time.....

Jen :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" The first duty of love is to listen "

~ Paul Tillich ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~